found the other keg... it's in the tree
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
