What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
