when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
