meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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