He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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