You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
