Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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