I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
