Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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