New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
