Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
