non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
