his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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