dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
