so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
