I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
