**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
