I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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