i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
