What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
jump out the window naked night went bad
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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