is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
