i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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