i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
