five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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