blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
