Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
