I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
