Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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