sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
