haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
