Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
