Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
