so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
