I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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