how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Floor bacon is actually really good
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
