Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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