So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
