thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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