I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My bed smells like the plague
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
