I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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