the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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