for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
