Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
