let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
