when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
