i was born a porn star she said
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
