i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
