Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
