You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
