I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
