i may or may not be watching the land before time
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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